mardi 11 mars 2014


MiddleSister thinks and is convinced that anything hurtful is unfair. Specifically, punitions and death of loved ones.
Reading this again after having left it to rest for an hour, all I can think to myself is "Mhmmm, she has a point." It's more the way she reacts to the unfairness of it all that's a worry.

She thrives on work that is immediately rewarded. She thrives on promises that are being kept.
And of course, the effort required is always too much in her opinion. She won't say so straight away. She will agree first, with a bit of negotiation thrown in. Negociation is her skill. She will wear you down before you have actually decided whether or not the reward she wants is appropriate. 
But nonetheless, she will do the work. But you will have to check and re-check it and if it's not well done, she will argue that you did not specify that THAT was what you wanted.
Which means that a request from her has to be answered with an amazing amount of conditions and preparations and thoughts and by the time they have been clarified, she might be so angry or fed up that she will decide she does not want the reward, hence won't fulfill the work required. Which needed to be done anyway.

So if she asks for something, the conditions have to be not something she was meant to do in the first place, like homework or shared chores.
Are you getting confused? This was the idea.
There is more… be warned :

On the other hand, if her regular chores, homework, commitments are failing and there is a consequence i.e. punition, then that's unfair. 
"I was not warned", and anyway, there is no need to try harder "because that's not going to change the punition".
So I don't punish often. I reward more. But keeping ahead of the 'game' is hard. Always having a reward on hand is difficult. She is upping the stakes all the time. Being 12 and wanting to go to a 1Direction concert can't be thrown in, according to our book, but she is on a different book apparently and won't relent.

So we have to be aware of whether she is the one asking for something first and have conditions at the ready, or whether we asked her to to do something first, in which case she will request something in exchange.

An example might clarify : bad grades in a particular subjet were piling up. I have spent a big amount of time during half term helping her to study that subject, according to a light timetable that she was, reluctantly and with a huge amount of negociation, willing to meet (15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes in the afternoon, with 2 exercises in the meantime.) 
She wants to organize her birthday party. 6 friends for a sleepover. It's all taking shape. 
And suddenly, bad grades in the particular subject are still coming in, revision for a test in this subject are being done in a careless and angry manner.
Consequence : "You will have to cancel your birthday party"
Her point of view : "it's not fair."

Actually, I don't think it's fair either.

I feel guilty, because when she asked to organize her birthday party, I should have said in the first place "Only if you improve this particular subject, in grades and work." Duh.
It also comes down to whether or not a birthday party is a given or something you have to work for.
I am exhausted.

Her lack of acceptance shows in another difficult area in which we have unfortunately spent a lot of time this year.
The ultimate example is death. Sorry, the sequel in the topic is a bit brutal…
We have had several loss in the past year, amongst the older generation in the Boss' family. Our other children are grieving, sad, and then moving on. She gets furious. She hates the world everytime. I dread announcing anything now. Whenever prayers and kind thoughts are needed, I can't go there around the dinner table, can't call a family meeting, can't ask this of her, because it will just raise a major storm and wreck the balance of the whole evening, day, week in the family.
I am failing badly here, because the mere thought of going through it with her is exhausting.

And I know that unbalance is to be expected after a bereavement, don't read me wrong. 
But her anger is hurting everyone and making it so much worse for everybody else.
Any soothing words won't help, telling her that it was the person's time, that they had a good life, that we must hold dearly to their memories will just get me an utterly baffled, disbelieving look, that says, quite simply "Are you crazy?"
When worst comes to worst, she will storm out of the room, bang the doors, scream at her siblings and us, throw things around in her room. And I just sit there, with my head in my arms, willing it to go away.

Quite frankly, this is really the time when I would appreciate lots and lots of feedback from anyone reading this, please. We all have different ways of dealing with these things, but I need to know I am not alone here.

I am in control on this picture here : deliberately choosing 2 different socks in the laundry basket because no time to look for matching ones.
Je maîtrise complètement sur cette photo. Je choisis de porter deux chaussettes différents, car je n'ai ni le temps ni l'envie de retourner tout le panier à linge à la recherche de la chaussette perdu. Ca c'est fait.

SoeurduMilieu trouve que tout ce qui fait mal est injuste. En particulier les punitions et le deuil.
Franchement, en relisant mon brouillon après l'avoir laissé mariner une heure, la première pensée qui me vient à l'esprit est "Oui. Elle n'a pas tort."
LE problème réside surtout dans sa façon de réagir à cette injustice.

Elle "marche à la carotte". En français clair, elle ne travaille à fond que sur promesses et récompenses.
Bien sûr, l'effort demandé est toujours trop important à ses yeux. Elle ne va pas tout de suite le dire. Elle acceptera d'abord, avec un tout petit peu de négociation. C'est une négociatrice-née. Elle vous usera avant que vous ayez décidé si ce qu'elle cherche à obtenir est approprié.
Ensuite elle fera le travail. Mais il faudra vérifier plusieurs fois si c'est bien fait. Et si c'est mal fait, elle vous dira que vous n'aviez pas précisé que c'était COMME CA que vous le vouliez.

Donc quand elle demande quelque chose, il faut lui répondre après avoir soigneusement réfléchi et en énonçant très clairement les conditions. A ce moment-là, il est possible qu'elle soit tellement furieuse et exaspérée qu'elle ne veut plus de la récompense et décide donc de ne pas faire le travail demandé. Qui a toujours besoin d'être fait.

Donc si elle veut quelque chose, les conditions pour l'obtenir ne doivent pas être de faire quelque chose qu'elle devait faire de toute façon, comme ses devoirs ou balayer le jardin avec sa soeur.
Ca devient compliqué, hein? C'était l'idée.

D'un autre côté, si ses devoirs, corvées, services ne sont pas faits correctement et qu'il y a une conséquence, comme une punition, c'est injuste.
'On ne m'avait pas prévenu', et de toute façon, pas la peine de redresser la barre "parce que cela ne changera pas la punition."

Donc je n'applique pas souvent de punition. J'essaie de récompenser. Mais cela nécessite d'avoir toujours une longueur d'avance et je n'y arrive pas toujours. Elle essaie toujours de mettre la barre plus haut, d'en obtenir davantage. Aller à un concert de OneDirection à 12 ans ne fait pas partie des récompenses acceptables à notre avis, ce n'est pas le sien et elle ne lâche pas le morceau.

Je parle de son refus du deuil en anglais. Je n'arrive pas à le faire en français, ni à traduire, ni à raconter, ça devient trop douloureux.
En revanche, c'est le moment où jamais de commenter si ce que j'ai écrit vous donne envie de partager.. J'en ai un peu besoin, là.

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